(no subject)

[writer_mel]

“Damn it! I can’t find it.” Clara had been going through after drawer for over an hour. The necklace was in the house somewhere. It had to be. It was the one thing her grandmother was asking for “before she died”. Clara couldn’t disappoint her. It had been in the same place for the whole six months that Clara had been in possession of it, so where the Hell was it? She’d torn the whole dresser apart. Next thing was pulling the dresser out from the wall while repeating every lost item prayer she could think of. Given how often she swept, she was really hoping that wouldn’t be necessary.

Then, while groping around at the back of the drawer where it SHOULD have been, she felt something. There was a chain hanging back there. There was a very slender, delicate chain hanging there that felt exactly like what she was looking for. She repeated the last prayer she’d uttered as she started to very gently pull on the chain. It came forward just fine until the pendant caught on something. Then Clara started swearing. This was going to mean letting go so she could get the other drawer out.

It also meant a fair bit more swearing as the pendant was tangled in other chains that also had to come out. Once she had the whole mess in her hands, she sobbed with relief. It was there, it was undamaged. Now she just had to get three chains and two large pendants untangled.

It took a half hour.

When she walked into her grandmother’s room, necklace held high, she was feeling amazingly proud of herself. Her grandmother was asleep, of course. Sighing softly, she put the necklace on the tray table and left her gran to sleep. Clara came back to check a few hours later. This time her gran was awake, holding the pendant clutched to her chest.

“You found it! Thank you so much, Clara. Thank you.”

Clara went over to give her gran a firm hug. “I put it in the right place, just badly. I’ll find a box for it so it doesn’t get lost again.”

Her gran laughed. “It won’t work, but good luck. The damn thing loves to hide. I should have warned you.”

“I just need to clean out that whole drawer. I still have plastic things in there from when I was a kid.”

“Still won’t help, but yes, dear. You should clean all your things out. You are worse about that than your grandfather was.”

“Hey!” Her beloved grandfather had been a full on hoarder who had only been kept in control by his wife. He was allowed to keep one basement room and half the garage how he liked so long as there were no bugs. “I am not at all that bad. You take that back! I can see all my floors.”

Her gran laughed much louder. “All right, you aren’t as bad. I couldn’t see more than a foot wide strip in that basement room by the end. If you can see the floor you’re doing fine.”

Clara sighed. Of course, she could stand to do a declutter. Who couldn’t? At least she’d found the necklace her gran was still clutching. “When you’re better, I’ll get started. You can give me hints on what to get rid of.” Clearly the purge gene was on that side of the family.

Gran’s face fell a little. “We’ll see, honey. I’m taking things one day at a time.”

Clara sat up a little straighter and watched Gran for a moment. She wanted to argue with her, but there wasn’t any point. If for no other reason than that Gran was an old lady. Time wasn’t a thing she had lots of even if she got better. “So why did you need that necklace, anyway? It’s pretty, but I never noticed anything super special about it.” As far as she could see it was a simple, delicate silver chain that had never looked strong enough to hold the thumb-sized teardrop shaped carved onyx pendant. The carving was of three roses, one each for her grandmother and her sisters. Her great grandfather had given it to her great grandmother. Clara’s mother hadn’t lived to own it, so now Clara had it. Gran held it up so she could look at the carvings. That showed Clara the back and she noticed the engraving again. It was so delicate and ornate that she’d never been able to read it. “And I can’t even figure out what it says.”

“It’s our names in birth order and underneath is one word for each of us. Mine is balance.” She shook her head a little. “Never knew if that meant I was balanced by nature of it I would need to maintain it, but that’s what it says.” She didn’t offer what was under her sisters’ names, so Clara would have to figure that out later. “I’m the only one left of the sisters, so..”

“You miss them.”

“Of course, I do!” Gran snapped. “Just like we miss your mother. Don’t be stupid.”

“Sorry,” Clara whispered, stung. She hadn’t meant it badly. She’d only meant it sounded like Gran was missing them particularly at that moment.

After a moment, Gran shook her head. “No, I’m sorry. That was cruel. You didn’t mean no harm. I miss them all the time, but seeing their, our, names like this? I can see their faces, too, you know? Not like the last time I saw them, but when they were young. When we were young.”

“Do we have pictures of you then? There must be an album somewhere.” Clara thought she could remember one.

“It’s somewhere in the living room, I think. You can get it later.” She sighed. “I can’t look at it now.”

Clara understood that so she let it drop. That was happening more and more often. A topic would come up then fizzle out when things got too close to a hard memory. No matter how dearly Clara wanted to hear all the details, she couldn’t bring herself to upset her gran.

“I think it’s time for me to sleep a bit now, honey. You come back up when dinner’s ready and we’ll talk a bit more. Okay?”

“Of course.” Clara stood up and gave her a kiss on the cheek before leaving. It occurred to her that maybe she should put the necklace away, but Gran was still clutching it. Maybe she wanted to talk to her sisters a little and that made her feel closer to them.

Clara decided it was as good a time as any to work on organizing things, so got started on her jewelry. All the drawers came out and got spread on the dresser top. That was only clear because everything was in the drawers. The first sort was easy. All the crappy plastic stuff was going to her nephews and nieces. What they did with it was up to them. The second pile was harder because it was the nice stuff she didn’t want anymore. She actually had to think about each piece. Those would go to her sisters to pick from.

The hardest pile to go through was the nice stuff she wanted. Oh, she could have just kept all of it, but how much of it did she actually wear? As she went through each piece, holding it up against herself to look in the mirror, she compared it to her grandmother’s necklace. Even though it was technically hers, she knew she’d always think of it as Gran’s.

None of them were as nice. And none of them had the same feel. She’d bought them all over the place, mostly to match an outfit. Or she’d been given them by a lover who was trying to show off. Those didn’t really have any emotional tie now that she was married to someone else. Still, they were really nice and she might wear them again someday. Maybe. It seemed silly to get rid of those. Maybe she’d ask Gram what she thought. Yes, that sounded like a good idea. Gram would be completely unsentimental about it all. She probably had some rule for that sort of thing.

The stuff she was giving away would have to be put someplace where she’d remember to actually give away, but now there was room to actually sort the stuff she was keeping. Even if Gam said she could keep all of it, she’d have room. Barely. She felt good about what she’d done. She felt more grown up somehow.

When she had a bag for her sisters and one for their kids, she took those down and put them on the sideboard in the dining room. Everyone would be over on Sunday and she could deal with them then. She’d ask Gran for help whenever she got her necklace back. Needing a place to put it was a good lead in to asking.

She made a cup of tea and sat at the dining room table. The house was so quiet at midday. She had no kids to clean up after and her husband was at work. Clara also wasn’t the type to put on music just to have it, plus Gran was sleeping. So it was quiet. She sighed softly. Maybe once her tea was done she should start organizing the kitchen a little. It was just as bad as her jewelry. Again, the counters were all spotless, but when you looked a little deeper….

Clara groaned at herself. All of this organizing impulse was just a way to get some control over things she had no control over. She knew that. It was the same as when she’d gone back to school when they realized they’d never have kids. She had a Master’s she wasn’t doing a damn thing with. And even if she wanted to, she really couldn’t. Now her job was taking care of Gran. She decided the thing she could do right now was look for those photo albums. She had a feeling Gran would ask for them sometime soon and she didn’t want to spend time searching like she had for the necklace.

It didn’t take her nearly as long to find it. All the boxes that had come with Gran were neatly labeled. Of course they were. Gran had been in charge of her and Abe’s packing efforts. Each box had a damn list in it. Photo albums were on the third list. She glanced at all of them, but only one had Gran’s childhood. That album went up to her wedding pictures.

Clara had to laugh. That was a nice, neat dividing line. The next one started with honeymoon snaps. She’d mention that later. It seemed like a good conversation starter. She sat with the first book in her lap and went through it slowly. There were photos of her great-grandparents before any kids, then baby pictures of them with Gran. When Gran was walking, there started being evidence of the next baby. Her great aunts came at regular intervals. The family looked happy enough, there were lots of snaps of the three girls playing. There were shots where she could only tell her gran and great-aunts apart by their height. She was sorry that she never got to know them terribly well. One had died when she was still a child. The other never lived close. All that family and she’d pretty much only had her father and her gran.

She didn’t often think of her gran as a child. When Clara was a child, Gran already had some grey hair. “Just a little,” she’d say right up until she was fully grey. Seeing the smiling child with her sisters was absolutely fascinating. She could see her own face in theirs, see her smile and the way she stood. Her sister’s kids stood the same way, which made her smile. They’d love these pictures, she knew.

In the next book, there was also some evidence of the thing that Gran had mentioned:-her grandfather’s hoarding. Around the edges of photos Clara could see things stacked on surfaces. It didn’t seem to get in anyone’s way, but her mother was little. Suddenly she noticed the necklace. Her great-grandmother wore it in one of the annual formal portraits. Given how big the girls were, she guessed it was a recent gift. In each group picture, the girls stood in the same order they were on the pendant. Year after year as they grew. Clara liked the stability of that. She didn’t think her sisters did that with their kids. Maybe they should. Clara had never really thought about that, about the patterns to family life. She’d been too busy living it when she was a kid and then she didn’t have children of her own.

Abe startled her when he came home. She was so focused on the photos that she didn’t hear him coming in the house. Getting up, she gave him a firm hug to make up for jumping. He didn’t seem to mind and when she released him, he took a moment to flip through the album.

“Did Gran ask for this, too?”

“No, just the necklace, but look at these.” She pointed out her great-grandmother wearing it. “Only for special occasions, I’d guess. But she always looks so proud.”

Abe laughed softly. “Well, that could have been because of her girls, you know. Your dad always had that same look in your pictures.”

Clara flushed. Dad’s a sap.”

He gave her another kiss, then went to get himself a drink. “How’s she doing today?”

“Okay.” Clara went to join him in the kitchen. She needed to put dinner together anyway. “Up and alert for most of the day. She only went to sleep a little while ago.” Clara glanced at the clock and was surprised to see over two hours had gone by. “She should be up for dinner, no problem.”

Once Abe finished his drink, he stopped her so he could give her another hug. This one was less welcoming and more intimacy. She sank into his arms with a happy little whimper. Her mood had been so up and down that she needed something she understood completely. He even bent her back a little which made her giggle. She wasn’t the swooning type, and he was hardly a screen hero, but she loved when he did that.

They only parted because Gran cleared her throat behind them. Abe waved blithely as Clara went to actually work on putting dinner together. “Won’t be long.”

Gran stopped Clara to hand her the necklace. “Thank you for finding this. You can have it back now.”

“Oh…okay.” Clara looked around for somewhere to put it, but decided it was simpler to just put it on. The chain and pendent were warm from Gram’s tight grip when they touched her skin. “Thanks.” Clara saw that Abe had food out and she helped him put together the meal. It wasn’t anything fancy, it never was, but it was tasty enough. Clara tried to talk about the photos, but Gran deflected hard enough that she dropped it.

Abe took over and talked about his day at work. Gran was always interested in his work so she always asked all sorts of questions. At first Clara had been a little embarrassed that she didn’t ask him, but she joined in quickly enough. Now she was a full part of the conversation and both women tossed suggestions at him as easily as they
asked for more food. Clara loved these moments. She was able to forget about the future.
Besides Gan being sick, her future was pretty good, after all. She was loved and she loved. Her family was close. She’d eventually find something to do with her days, she was sure. And she had Abe. After that, all the rest was gravy. Her sister’s husbands were nice enough guys, but she was utterly certain she had the best spouse. Her baby sister, Abby, had agreed one day. Clara was pretty sure she’d been joking, but she’d decided to take that at face value because her Abe was so wonderful.

She knew a woman whose husband had left her when she couldn’t have kids. Abe had never even hinted at such a thing. He’d grieved right along with her, then went on with their life together as though nothing had changed. As her family talked, Clara caressed the pendant at her throat. Both Gran and Abe noticed, each smiling softly at her. The expressions were slightly different, though, and Clara wasn’t sure what each of them was thinking.

Once dinner was cleaned up, Gran went up to bed and she wasn’t likely to be seen again until morning, so Abe and Clara settled on the couch. Abe reached over and held the necklace so he could study the little flower in it. Then he carefully turned it so he didn’t yank at the chain. “Emily, Beth, Alice. Balance, Passion, Adventure.”

Clara blinked. She hadn’t been able to read them that easily. “I wonder what would get put under my name? And if they all still thought they still applied when they got older.” Gran had said hers did, but what about the others?

Abe let the pendant drop softly, then he shrugged. “I think it would depend on how old they were when the choice was made? The older they were, the more likely the words were to stick, I guess.”

“Or did they grow into them knowing that’s what their parents thought?”

Abe cocked his head. “Self-fulfilling prophesy, you mean? Could be.”

Clara thought about that. She had two sisters, just like Gran. Her mother had been an only child, though. Because one great-aunt had died young and the other never had kids, she had no cousins. Clara never had the chance to ask her if she’d felt pressure to have three. She only knew that her dad had always been very clear: “It’s your life. Each of you need to make your own choices because you are the ones to live with them.”

She repeated those words softly to Abe. “Dad. About our lives and choices.”

Abe nodded. “Your father’s a wise man. Always said that.”

She laughed softly. “You say that because he likes you.”

Again, Abe nodded, this time much more firmly. “Knew he was wise right off.” They both giggled and snuggled closer. “You keep touching that necklace,” he said a little while later. It hasn’t changed, you know.”

“I know.”

He let the matter drop until she touched it again. He knew she wasn’t the type to fuss, so her took her hand and held it against his chest. “What’s wrong?”

She stared at their hands for a moment while she figured out what he meant, then she sighed softly. “Feel like there’s so much I don’t know about my family. Which means stuff I don’t know about myself, I guess.” She glanced over at Abe. “Stuff I didn’t even realize I didn’t know.”

He considered that. One thing she loved about him was the way he always considered his answers when they were talking about serious stuff. He could be fast and funny and off the cuff, but when she needed him to be thoughtful, he always was. “Is it really stuff about you, though? You went to school, you’ve worked out in the world, you take care of your gran.” He grinned. “You hooked me.”

She laughed. “Yes, those are all very good points. Thank you.” She snuggled in a little closer, tucking her feet up under herself. “Still…” She sighed again. “They’re my family. I’m a part of them, right? Like, literally. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know them at all.”

“You know your dad just fine.” He’d always been a very present member of the family. Very involved.

“He’s still around, always has been. But Gram’s the only one left on the other side and she.. I get why, but I wish I could find out more. I wish we all could.”

Abe hugged her closer. “Maybe your sisters know stuff you don’t? You should compare notes.”

That was a great idea and Clara looked at him stunned. “I’ll get on that right away. This week when they come over.” She’d do it in front of Gran to shame her, too, which might be fun.

“My sneaky darling.” He know what she was thinking, of course. It was all over her face. “Just don’t piss her off.”

Clara waved a hand at him. “I won’t. She never gets angry at me.” That wasn’t true at all, of course. Still, if all the young cousins chipped in it would be fine. “We’ll see She’ll only tell us what she wants.”

“True.” He kissed her hair. “At the very least, she’ll know you want to know.”

Clara could only nod at that. It wasn’t the answer she wanted, but he was right.

Sunday came and the house filled with love and laughter. Besides Clara, Abe and Gran there was Vanessa and her two boys and Abby, her husband and their son and daughter. Going from three quiet souls to ten who couldn’t shut up was a bit of a shock and Clara always found that just before dinner was served she needed just a minute to herself. She slipped out onto the back porch.

That porch wasn’t much, really just a cover over the back steps. Clara liked to stand out there with a mug of tea in a light rain. Particularly on hot days when the air smelled of ozone. Now it was just a quiet, safe place, somewhere she could regroup after all the noise. One of her nephews had been crying. That sound had always grated on Clara’s nerves, even when her sisters were young. Now, with the door closed behind her, she could breathe easily. It didn’t take long for her to settle and when came in she was feeling much better.

It helped that the baby had stopped crying.

Vanessa found her in the kitchen. She was looking for wine. “I am never happier that my kids are past that stage than when her kids cry. Is that wrong?”

Clara laughed softly. “No, I don’t think so. Though, Gran once said that you never stop getting twitchy when you hear a baby cry.”

Hanging her head, Vanessa sighed deeply. “You’re cruel. You know that, right?’ Both sisters laughed, keeping the sound soft so no one would come looking for them, particularly any of the children. “How’s it really going with Gran. She looks so tired today. Worse than I remember.”

Clara shrugged. “She has good days and bad. I don’t think she slept very well last night. I saw a light when I got up to pee.”

“Guess it’s not so unusual. Isn’t that just one of those things about aging, you sleep less?”

Clara looked at her younger sister for a long moment. “I don’t know. Yet.” Both sisters laughed. “But yeah, I guess. She naps a lot, so it can’t be that odd that she’d up late. She was supposed to be here to recover, but it’s pretty obvious she isn’t leaving.” Clara couldn’t hide the sorrow of that. She loved having Gram there and would have her there forever if she could. As she tried to push that idea away, she caressed the pendant at her throat. The carving was already becoming familiar to her.

Vanessa squeezed her sister’s shoulders. “It’ll be what it is. And we’ll be here with you as much as we can.”

At just that moment, Abby found them. “There you are, promising my time away. Typical.” She shook her head at them. “Not fair leaving me… What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” Clara assured her. “Just catching up on Gran. Nothing terribly new.” She got the youngers of the sisters up on their discussion.

Abby was a little more practical about it all. “We knew this was coming. I’m sure we’ve all talked to her about it. The only thing we haven’t done is asked her what she wants done with her ashes.” She shrugged. “Still sucks.”

Clara rubbed at the pendant again. It was already becoming such a comfort object for her. “I guess I’ve gotten used to her being in the house. It’ll feel so empty again.”

At that moment, Vanessa’s youngest howled for his mother. “I’ll loan you either, or both, of them any time you want. I promise.”

Abby nodded firmly as the sisters headed into the kitchen. “I make the same vow. Any time you feel the need, I’ll drop them right off.” She actually crossed her heart.

Abe saw Clara’s expression and came right over to give her a hug. She assured him that she was fine. And really, she was. She had her family all around them. The worst upset in the room was the hollering child who only needed a soda her cousins didn’t want her to have. The kid were all circled around Gran who had out the album Clara wanted to ask about. She edged over to hear what was being said. Maybe she’d get some of the answers she’d wanted. Gran was naming her sisters, telling a little about them. Then she talked about her daughter. She talked about how smart she was, how much she’d loved her own girls. Clara saw her sister’s eyes fill with tears. Gran almost never talked about her daughter.

Clara was off to one side, Abe’s arm still around her. She didn’t bother trying to wipe the tears from her eyes because there was no shame in missing her mother. Gran had taught her that. The whole time Gan talked, Clara kept touching the necklace. Her attention was on Gran so it took her a while to notice the shimmering figure standing behind her.

The figure was almost part of the window behind Gran, clearly not fully in the room. Not part of the room the way the couch and Gran were. But it was absolutely not a tick of light. Clara looked at her own photo albums often enough to know what her own mother looked like even though she’d been gone for decades. Her mother’s attention was on the children, drinking up their questions and laughter.

Clara’s hand tightened on Abe’s arm until he jerked from the pain. She let go, of course, and apologized, but her real attention never left her mother. Not until she noticed there was an extra child there. Somehow there were five kids sitting there. One was a little younger than the cousins and dressed in archaic clothes. The ghost child, for ghost was the only word for it, was about the same age as Gran’s sister who died. That’s who it had to be. Her mother and her great-aunt.

Glancing around the room, Clara was sure no one else could see the ghosts. She clutched the necklace so hard she was afraid she was going to snap the chain. She searched all the corners to make sure there were no other ghosts around. There was no one else. There. Just the two. Ghosts. She was seeing ghosts. She also had to be very careful not to react anymore. Abe was already watching her closely. She couldn’t blame him. He probably had holes in his arm from her nails.

“I’ll be right back,” she whispered to him. “Wanna get my camera.”
Abe nodded and shifted aside so she could go. By the time she got back, she had herself under control. The ghosts were still there, so she framed as many of the shots to include them as she could. She made sure to get the full range of shots anyone would expect from the moment, but there were a few that were strange angles. One of her gran had an awful lot of ‘white space’ above her head, but for Clara there was a slender woman there. A slender woman stood there, shimmering, and she looked an awful lot like Abby.



When it was time for all the family to pack up, Clara realized the ghosts were starting to fade. The moment had passed. All the hugging and promise of visits were routine and they were handled quickly. Soon, it was only Clara, Abe and Gran. Abe started gathering up last juice cups and Clara took Gran up to bed. All just like usual.

Once Gran was tucked into bed, Clara sat beside her. She looked all around the room, wondering if one of the ghosts would come back. “You knew, didn’t you?” Clara asked softly. “That’s why you needed me to have it while you’re still here.”

Gran smiled and nodded. “It’s time. And no, that doesn’t mean I think I’m dying right now or anything. It’s just time for you to know. We’ll have time to discuss it, time for you to learn how to manage it.”

Clara coughed. “You mean so I don’t take Abe’s arm off next time?”

“Well…yes. I dropped a very nice bit of crockery the first time. Damn shame, too. I would have given that one to Vanessa.” Gran laughed. “It’s part of your heritage, just like it was your mother’s and mine. You’ll have to decide which of the next generation gets it, but you have decades to decide that. And it’s up to you if you tell Abe. He won’t be able to see them, of course, but you know how he loves you. I think he’ll believe you.”

If Gran said it too, he might. It might be a bit too much to simply take her word for. “Is it only those two? Ma and your sister?”

Gran perked up? You saw your Ma? Oh, honey, I’m so glad.” She clasped Clara’s hand tightly. “It’s any of the family. My parents, my sisters, your Ma. Someday, I hope, me, too. I don’t wanna leave any of you.”

And the tears came back. Clara couldn’t help it. “Is it just seeing? Like today? Only with the necklace?”

“Yes, only with the necklace. I guess it had all my father’s love put into it and that passed right along down the generations. All the way to those sweet babies.”

That was more than a little overwhelming. She knew she and her sisters were lucky to have the family she had, but to be able to do that with just your love? That was pretty amazing. It was a responsibility. “Can…can we talk to them?”

Gran laughed. “Of course we can! What do you think I was doing the day you found it? I might ask to wear it now and again if that’s okay.”

Clara gave her gran a big hug. “Of course. It’s still yours. I’m just keeping it for you.” She sat back a little. “For all of you, I guess. For all of us.”



Clara’s gran didn’t pass for three more years. She got stronger, then weaker, then stronger again before finally passing quietly in her sleep. In that time, Clara had a chance to get to know all of her family. It was an absolute revelation. Just being able to speak with her mother was world changing.

Abe had believed immediately. He even joined in on the conversations sometimes. She’d never felt closer to him. One of the things they talked about was which of the next generation would get the necklace. They had time for that, of course. Time for her to get to know each of those kids, and the one growing in Abby, before the decision had to be made. Years and years to just enjoy the breadth of their family.