Don't dream it, be it.

[writer_mel]

It took a while for Lila to notice anything was different. She was so focused on getting to the bathroom that she didn’t see the mail she’d grabbed on the way in hit the floor instead of her grandmother’s hall table. She didn’t smell the scent on the toilet paper or see the bright green shower curtain where she should have seen pale yellow. Her head was down to get her shoes untied before she finished. She kicked them off before she reached for the toilet paper so she was thinking more about where they landed than the smell.

It wasn’t until she went to look in the fridge for something to drink that she realized something was wrong. The milk was fine, but where was her soda? There should be a whole box of cans in there. She’d been looking forward to that. Then she realized that nothing else in the fridge, besides the milk, was right. She bent down and went through everything. One or two things she might have bought on a very special day, but not the rest of it. She couldn’t afford any of it.

Even if she could, she wouldn’t have bought some of it anyway. She hated soft cheese. Give her a plain old cheddar. What more did you need? Closing the fridge, she couldn’t stop shaking her head. She also kept closing her eyes and reopening them hoping to see something different. Now, though, everywhere she looked was wrong. The worst part was: it was all nice. Some of it was really nice. Nicer than Lila could ever afford. As she looked around the rest of the apartment, she realized that wasn’t really the worst part.
All this pleasantly nice stuff, the solidly built, practical but gorgeous couch and the coffee table with all the storage, was stuff she would have bought if she’d ever had the money. Okay, maybe not the food, but the furniture. And absolutely the clothes in the master bedroom closet. Just like in her place there were only things for one person, a woman. That woman happened to be the same size and have similar taste and coloring. Lila could have put on any item and it would have looked amazing.

The house wasn’t hers. The house was what she’d always dreamed her house would be like.

Maybe that was it. She’d come home and fallen asleep. This was a dream she hadn’t woken up from yet. It was no different from the dreams she had about cute people on TV. She’d wake up soon enough and everything would be right back where it was supposed to be. Everything was fine.

Lila sat on the end of the bed, the very nice bed with an actual mattress that felt like it would support a person, and exhaled slowly. She looked around again, trying to find something to focus on, something that would help her wake up. That’s when she noticed the photographs on the window sill. They were in the same place as her photos were, the same spot her mother had told her was bad because the photos would fade. These hadn’t faded, same as hers hadn’t, but that wasn’t the problem.

The photos were exactly the same ones that sat in her bedroom. Not other people in the same poses, which would make sense in a weird way. Not her and her friends and family in the really nice clothes in the closet, which would also make sense. These were exactly the same photos she had. They were HER photos. Lila got up and lifted one, turning it to see if the blue ribbon she’d tucked into the frame was there.
It was.

This was her place. Okay, so the dream of what she could still accomplish. That still made sense. Her subconscious was trying to fit her into the dream since she was questioning it. That’s all it was. She’d wake up and everything would be the way it was supposed to be.

She just had to wake up.

When she woke up, everything would be fine. Then she’d call her sister and make a date to go thrifting so she could get some nicer clothes. There was no way she’d ever live this life, she could never afford it, but it was something she could still aspire to. Maybe she’d finally get that new job she kept swearing she would. That’s what the dream was about. To tell her to get off her ass and get the job.

When the doorbell rang it sounded just the way she expected. The thing always had a weird rattle at the end. The electrician said she’d have to rewire that whole side of the house if she wanted it fixed. If she could afford all the clothes, why didn’t she do that? Why wasn’t her subconscious fixing that, too?

Lila got up and headed for the front door. She’d wake up when she got there. That made sense.



It also didn’t work. Her sister was at the door. Reggie didn’t look any different than she ever did beyond a haircut. It looked more expensive than usual. She came in, gushing about her weekend plans. Nothing unusual about that. Reggie was still in college and could still party all weekend and get to class the next Monday. If Lila tried that, she’d get to work at noon. If she made it. The eight years age difference still mattered and probably would for a while. Lila watched her sister for some sign that she thought anything was odd, but Reggie just flopped on the couch and kicked off her shoes before putting her feet on the coffee table. “Are you SURE you don’t want to come on Saturday, Sis?” Lila was still standing in the door to the living room, watching with wide eyes as Reggie got comfortable. She saw nothing at all wrong with the room. When Lila didn’t answer, Reggie finally snapped her fingers. “Hey. Earth to Lila!”

“What? No, I can’t. I can’t go.” She had no idea at all what the event was, but they were usually drink centered. She wouldn’t go even if she wasn’t having what appeared to be a major nervous breakdown. “You know I’m not going.”

Reggie sighed dramatically. “Yeah, I know. I will never give up hope, though. I will never stop fighting to get you to pull the stick out of your ass.” Reggie smirked. “That’s what baby sisters are for.”

“Really? I thought they were good for compost.” It was an old joke, one that came easily. Lila took a seat on the couch and, after a moment, echoes her sister’s position. “I’m having a very strange day.” Lila was starting to think she’d had a stroke or something.

Reggie shifted a little to watch Lila, trying to work out if she had to be nice. She decided she did. “Okay, what’s strange about it? Did a well dressed rabbit hop by looking for someone?” There were limits. That was actual concern in sister speak.

“I wish. I’d get answers eventually from that damn bunny.” She put her head back and closed her eyes. “Does anything look different in here to you?”

Reggie looked around for a minute. “No. Did you get something new?” She looked again. “Did I spill something I don’t remember spilling?”

Well, that was a clear enough answer and Lila shook her head. “No, nothing like that. But I’m pretty sure I’ve lost my mind.”

“Seriously? Because nothing’s changed? That means you’re crazy? Okay…”

Lila shrugged. “It could mean you’re crazy, but I’m pretty sure that’s not it. Or this could be a dream. If it is, it’s mostly a good one, so there’s that.”

Reggie pulled her feet up on the couch and shifted close, watching her sister closely. “You’re starting to freak me out, so you know. Why don’t you start at the beginning?”

Lila sighed softly. “Like, did I get hit in the head sometime today? Not that I’m aware of. And I don’t think I’m asleep or in a coma. So that leave batshit crazy, right?”

“I’m pretty sure there are more options, but I’m still missing key facts. Start. At. The. Beginning.”

“Right.” Lila rubbed her face hard and took a couple deep breaths. When she spoke, her face was still hidden in her hands. “I remember work today. I remember getting there and I remember getting home. Nothing out of the ordinary. I came in, ran to the bathroom and…” She shuddered hard. “When I actually looked around, nothing’s right. Not a single thing in this house looks right. Not the wallpaper, not the furniture, not the food in the damn fridge. It’s all wrong.”

“Okay, what’s the punchline?”

It was a reasonable question, but Lila shook her head. There wasn’t one. “My current theory is that I’ve had a stroke.”

“You’re too young for that and you aren’t slurring your words.” Reggie thought for a long moment, trying to come up with some kind of answer, but really all she had was questions. “Is this better or worse?”

Lila shrugged. “It’s nicer. Like… It’s like a wish list version. If I was rich and popular and had great taste, it would all be like this. Ya know?”

Reggie looked her over for a long moment, then looked back around the house. “Well, you aren’t rich, but you make a good living. And you always had great taste. You just had no money.” She shrugged. “I’m always glad of your cast offs.”

Lila hung her head. She was going nuts. Without knowing it, she started crying. Nothing showy, just tears dripping down her face. The only thing that made any sense to her was that she’d lost her mind and that was terrifying. No one was going to believe her and she was going to have to figure out what to do all alone.

Reggie shifted over and wrapped an arm around her sister’s shoulders when she realized how upset she was. She didn’t say anything. What was she going to say? You’re just having a bad day? In truth, she was a little scared. Her sister was so pragmatic. She did what needed to be done and just kept on going. Reggie wouldn’t be in school without her.

For Lila to be freaked out about anything was weird. For her to be imagining something so extreme was troubling. It was like…brain cancer bad. Reggie didn’t say any of that, of course. Who would? She just held her sister until Lila had calmed down a little. “Okay,” Reggie said, ‘what do we do now?”

Lila groaned. “I have no idea!” She couldn’t find a clean pair of underwear she’d feel comfortable wearing, how could she know what to do. “You’re the only familiar thing I have right now. If I wake up tomorrow and feel the same way, what do I do? Go to a job I know nothing about?” She swallowed hard. “I do have a job, right?”

Reggie laughed. “Yes, you do. You manage a charitable trust that supports a half dozen different agencies in town. You’re good at it, too, always convincing people to give more money.”

Lila blinked, drinking that in. The job she remembered was sort of like that, only not so glamorous. She’d been one of those people that go the money from a group like that. And she didn’t even run the place she worked for. She just paid the bills with the money they got. It was important and she was proud of it, but no one came to her for anything even remotely memorable. If she got a call it was because the light bill was late. “Okay….”

“I can write down the address…. Or I could take you in? Maybe that would be better.”

Lila snorted. “I think I should call off. At least until I’m feeling better.” She could take a day or two to figure out all the details of this life. That was something she would not ask Reggie’s help with because she’d already upset her sister enough. “Okay, okay, I’ll take tomorrow off, sleep all day and when I wake up, all will be well.”

Reggie wasn’t sure she believed the quick turnaround, but it was a reasonable plan. “I’m going to call a couple times, between all my classes, to see if you’re feeling better. And if you don’t answer…”

“I’ll answer. I promise.” She’d scared her sister enough already. Bad enough that she was scared. Reggie had better things to do than worry about her.

Reggie raised an eyebrow. “Cross your heart?” Lila sat up very straight and ran an index finger over her chest in a dramatic X. Reggie nodded. “Okay, then. And I’ll come over tomorrow night. Check on you.”

Lila very nearly told her not to, but she reconsidered. She might have questions that Reggie could answer and it would be much easier in person. “I’ll order food. Or…cook. Ordering would be silly when there’s a full fridge.” A fridge full of all the things she could never afford to buy.

“Either one works. Don’t strain yourself if you’re still feeling bad, though. I mean, if it’s a stroke, better to just order in.”

Lila pinched her baby sister, which was the only logical response. They sat together for a while longer, then Reggie left. She made Lila promise again to stay in touch. Once Reggie was gone, Lila flopped on the couch with her arm over her face. She needed to decide to figure everything out. She had to know what to do next or she’d go nuts. More nuts. Really nuts? “That part doesn’t matter, girl, get yourself together!”

She went into the smaller bedroom that she always used for an office, hoping she still did. The room was a bit of a relief. Everything was in exactly the order she remembered. It was all the same lovely quality as the rest of the place, but it was the most familiar place yet. When she sat down, she found her planner immediately.

She looked at the last few days. It was filled with meetings with people she actually knew. They were the leads or second leads of the organizations working toward the same goals. These were the people she took notes for. She didn’t take meetings with them. Except that she did. Or she could? She had to go back a year to see anything that looked familiar. Even then it wasn’t quite right. There was what looked like a conference of some sort. She remembered that. Her boss had attended it while she took care of things in the office. She’d made sure he had all the organizations’ data, had presentation materials, everything he needed.

The notes here made it look like she’d still done all that work, but she’d also been the one to do the presentation. She flipped forward again. Within days, she was taking meetings. Then bigger meetings and more presentations. Lila sat back and stared off into space for a long time. She remembered how hard she’d worked, how important that presentation was. They’d ended up getting two grants out of it. She’d been proud of what she did and it had never occurred to her that she did the actual work. She didn’t present it. She hadn’t asked for it. He had.

There was all kinds of things to unpack there and she decided she wanted a glass of wine. She took a very full glass back into her office and started going over things again. The progress for her from that presentation was pretty fast. Looking at her bank balance was a serious shock. In her world, in the real world, she only ever had enough to buy a bottle of wine at the end of the month. She liked this world a lot more. A whole lot more. She found herself making notes about meetings that had already happened, things she wanted to remember.

That was crazy. None of this was reasonable. People like her didn’t suddenly get huge promotions over one presentation. People like her didn’t get promotions at all, really. They just kept their heads down and did their job. She was already lucky that she had a job she liked. She went back through everything, going further back this time. Before that presentation, everything was the way she remembered it. Within days, things started changing. Days. Lila wanted to get her sister back and ask how she remembered everything. Could it be that simple? Nothing was that simple in life. You didn’t just do a presentation and suddenly get everything you ever wanted. There had to be something else.

She ended up sleeping the night through on her couch rather than her bed. She didn’t feel right sleeping in that bed with the nice sheets. Not a single thing in the house felt like her, like it belonged to her. When she got up in the morning, she’d have to put on someone else’s clothes. She was going to have to spend the whole day pouring through every bit of paperwork for her life and her job that she could find.

All of that would have gone so much better if she’d gotten any real sleep that night. She tossed. She turned. Finally, she got up before dawn and made herself coffee to take while she worked. Her goal was to figure out two things. First, what the hell had happened so she could get back to her real life. If she couldn’t do that, she had to figure out how to survive in this life. The last thing she needed was to screw up if she had to stay. She knew exactly how far she had to fall.

At least her natural gift for organization had served her well in this new life. She could go through all her work paperwork and see what projects she’d worked on, see who she’d worked with and how it had all gone. Again, she took note of things she might have done differently. That was a weird thought. Clearly, she hadn’t done them differently.

Why did she do it that way when the other way seemed so obvious now? Had someone made a suggestion and that didn’t get recorded. Was something else going on? She started really tearing things apart to track every project. It was fascinating to watch things grow and see the impact of each program. The names of students were all familiar to her as were some of the results. There were two projects she didn’t recognize at all. Both were things that had been talked about in passing as ‘someday’ things. She hadn’t even started doing research because she knew she’d never get the go-ahead.

“Guess when I’m in charge, I don’t have to ask anymore.” That was such a bizarre notion that she had to get up and walk around for a while.



By the time she got back to work, it was getting dark. While she made herself something to eat, she called her sister. There was a lot of ‘are you sures’, but she managed to keep Reggie from coming over. Lila promised to call her again the next day after she’d gone to work. It took a minute to talk her sister out of stopping by at lunch.

That night, she slept in the bed after taking a really nice shower in the fancy bathroom. She hadn’t gotten to actually experience it the first time and now she drew it out as long as she reasonably could. She set her alarm for an hour earlier than she really needed, just in case. She slept much better in the real bed, though she did dream about her old life. Her real life?

When she woke the next morning, everything in her bedroom was back to the way it had been when she left it two days ago. It was all back to being it’s shabby, familiar self. She sat in the middle of her bed, surrounded by all the things that really should be there, and cried. Still, she got herself dressed and out the door. No matter how crappy she was feeling about herself, there was work to be done, money to be earned. She had to live her life, even if it wasn’t the one she wanted anymore.

Work was nothing new, nothing shocking and she got everything done that she should have gotten done the day before. The day when she was cataloging a life that wasn’t. She didn’t end up telling her sister anything about it. That was a conversation she couldn’t bear to have again. After a few days, she started to think it had all been a particularly bizarre, strong dream. That at least made some sense. Strange dreams happened to everyone. That answer made perfect sense. She was feeling unappreciated, feeling like she’d never get anywhere and her mind fed her a fantasy. That’s all it was.

Then she got the phone call from the manager of a sister group that they’d worked with before. The manager was reaching out to her, he said, because he’d tried bringing it up with her boss at a meeting but the guy didn’t seem to have the time for it. She listened carefully to his proposal, taking notes the whole time. When it sunk in that she’d seen this idea before, she started asking questions. This was one of the projects she’d been in charge of in that other life. She knew exactly who to talk to, exactly how to pitch it, because she’d already done all of it. It would work. It would help people.

She promised to make her phone calls and then talk to her boss the next day. Then she hung up and sat at her desk shaking. This had to be it. This had to be the chance that she took that would change everything.

This time she had to push through and put herself out there. If she did it, then she could have the life she’d dreamed of.

Or had she actually gone there? She just didn’t know anymore, but in the end it didn’t matter. She had phone calls to make and a proposal to get past her boss. That life being real days ago didn’t matter anymore. What mattered was that she made it real now.